Destination - It looks like the Middle-Middle will get a rain bump by Saturday. Meet at Tanner take out.

Apres paddling - I feel like my birthday will not be complete until I overhear waitstaff say, “Was that lady yelling ‘Spice it up’ on something? When are the police coming?” So our post-kayaking venues will be:

Volition Brewing Co.
112 W North Bend Way, North Bend, WA 98045

https://maps.app.goo.gl/vhDUYCJ5htw5m4ia7?g_st=ic

This is what the most influential boaters and others are saying about this must make event:

Lars Freeman-Wood: I wouldn’t miss this event for the world. Watching Jeff is so entertaining. Everybody else realizes the water is max 6 inches /1 foot deep, but there goes Jeff. Stern squirt – clang – stern squirt – clang. Seriously, there are lab rats that figure these things out quicker than Jeff. So funny. Of course I have to watch the carnage. 

Yesenia Cooley Pascual: I agree Lars. Jeff is so entertaining whether it is kayaking or rock climbing. Although, I wonder if his rock splats might not be fully intentional … when he is climbing.

Jack Asuncion-Reed:  Jeff is one serious kayaking Mother Plugger. And by that I mean, the beater dude swam Mother on the Powerhouse …. Yeah, Powerhouse…..How embarrassing.  

Mateo Boomer-Boofer: When I’m that age, I’ll be able to do all the tricks. Blunts, loops, phonics monkey, space Godzilla …. Wait, did you say 50, with a zero? I thought you said 15. I will be able to do all the tricks by 15.

Bryan Cooley Pascual: Watching Jeff surf a wave is like seeing Mick Jagger strut his stuff. No, not 60’s or 70’s Jagger. Or, even 80’s and 90’s Jagger. More like Jagger today. Yeah ……. Sad, but I’m amazed he is still going.

Rick Schoen - if you want to see silky smooth surfing with moves like Jagger - the young Jagger! - You can start me up.

Bob Menard - put me in the silky smooth surf category, too. But with more of an Old Crow Medicine Show vibe.

James Laitila: Yeah, I guess I’ll go. If he’s in a mixmaster and we do the green.

James Lloyd - Jeff is reckless and has a cavalier disregard for the power of the river. We are meeting at 10:30, right?

 

Martin Fryer: Jeff can seriously throw it down …… for a guy of his advanced age.

Chi Tran: He calls me a trash panda? Take your eye off him for 2 minutes and he will be rooting through your beer cooler. That’s why I only bring nearly undrinkable beers to the takeout.

Chris Smith - I hear you Chi! Jeff’s always lurking about, thinking that just because I own a brewery he can mooch beers off me. Do I try to chum him up just to get environmental permits? Oh, wait, that’s a great idea. I’m in! 

 

Shanna Gachen - I always make sure to invite Jeff to the beginner WKC class. He is an inspiration. It is like that movie Rudy. I’ve seen Jeff try bow stalls maybe 500 to 1000 times. He always fails and comes up with that same goofy smile. I just want to start chanting “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy” 

WKC Beginner Class Alumni Association - Really, Shanna? We think he is kind of a jerk. Does he have to find the narrowest part of the river to stop abruptly to surf? And that fake smile that tries to say, “I’m a nice, supportive guy” but really means “get the @##& out of my way, I’m trying to surf here.”

Aaron McLaughlin: technically it is a truck accessory called a bull bar to avoid damage from deer, etc. But I find it works great when Jeff stops abruptly to surf. Just use the Amazon coupon code “really Jeff, this again?”

John Kelly - I picked up one of those after boating with Jeff. It works great!

Jack Johnson - Jeff is like my brother from another mother. Sure he can’t sing or surf very well. But he exudes that Aloha chill vibe …. On the outside. On the inside he’s seething “get the @##& out of my way. I’m trying to surf here!!”

John Armstrong - Jack Johnson nailed it.

Bryan Castleberry - I’m so excited about this event that I bought myself a new kayak. Oh wait, I buy myself a new kayak every month.

Anastasia Alder - how much do you want for that old kayak, Bryan? I’ll DM you.

Will Yoon - not if I DM Bryan first! …. Oh, yeah…..happy birthday Jeff.

Dane Jackson: Who? That beater dude? What is he doing in my signature drysuit?

Jon Almquist - Who? That beater dude? What is he doing in Dane’s signature drysuit?

Meryl Douglass - Who? That beater dude? I wish he’d get the $@#& out of the way. I’m trying to surf here!

Jeremy Wells - Who? That beater dude? Where is Jeena? She is so cute. (Edit by Jeremy - Cute, Jeff, really? I believe the expression you are searching for is “smokin hot.”)

Jeena Waggoner - Who? That beater dude? Where is Jeremy? He is so cute.

Eric Jackson - so many of my kayaking fundamentals come from my longtime friendship with Jeff …. (No, I just made that up. I have no idea who that beater dude is, but since it is his birthday I thought I’d play along.) Cool drysuit, bro.

Clay Wright - Jeff has had a profound influence on many of our designs here at Jackson kayak. Like the “Padded Spherical Ball” for aging boaters who are losing their skills and physical capacity.

Stephen Wright - C’mon Clay. I’m trying to film a promo video here. The marketing department says we are supposed to call them “seasoned boaters.” Unless they are also crotchety a-holes; then I use the term “legendary boaters”.

Nick Troutman - sure ‘spherical ball’ is redundant. But for people like Jeff, anything over two syllables can be difficult. So, we try to help him out.

Emily Jackson - padded spherical ball was originally designed for whitewater. But now Jeff spends most of his time just rolling around in the backyard. Whatever makes him happy, you know.

Irina Yatsenko - what do you mean “who is that beater dude?” That’s Jeff. Everybody knows Jeff. He is a “legendary boater”.

Taylor Swift: it was a sultry, hot summer day and Jeff was shirtless at the takeout. He inspired me to write this song called “Get over Yourself Grampa.”

Anna Simeon -  it was a sultry, hot summer day and Jeff was shirtless at the takeout. The sight made me throw up a little bit in the back of my throat. “No Jeff, it is probably the new neck gasket” I lied.

Kanako Iwata-Eng - it was a sultry, hot summer day and Jeff was shirtless at the takeout. It made me think, “Gosh it is July already and I only have 170 river days. Slow year.”

Cassandra Laitila: I don’t know what Taylor is talking about. Mike (Jeff) has a great set of moobs.

Sara Anderson: hell, no. I’m not going. Smash the patriarchy. And, put on a shirt Jeff. 

Seth Glen: really Sara? I’m the nicest guy on earth. You can’t blame all guys. The problem is really old, white guys …. Oh, I get it now.

Edith Han: Lets just say it. He has a lot of “short man energy.”

Carrie Zheng - back off Taylor Swift. That Grampa is mine. And, leave that shirt off Jeff.

Kallie Kurtz - C’mon Jeff, it will be fine. The guidebook says Pit of Limb Detachment is Class V. But watch, it goes super smooth and easy …… if you are Kallie Kurtz. 

Aaron King - yeah I think Kallie is right. To make it fun, I often do it backwards in a Rockstar with a hand roll at the bottom. But, what do I know? I only started this sport a little while ago.

Mateo Beaterdude (redux) Yeah Aaron. I’ve only been paddling a year and I am already so much better than Jeff. No, no joke there. It is just the innocence of youth blurting out the truth. Wait? What? Is he crying?

Kathy McGee - I’ve always had a good bond with Jeff on the river. But what really strengthened the friendship were his weekly phone calls, “ Kathy, would you explain Club Express to me again, please?”

Claire Hews - Jeff help me wrap my head around the whole garish drysuit, constant stern squirting thing. Why the desperate need for attention and validation? Were you the middle child? 

Katheryn Durkee - Jeff, you do understand that teaching the WKC roll session once a year does not give you license to mansplain the remaining 364 days, right?

Neon Cowboy: Jeff, it is not mansplaining when I am explaining it to you.

Michael Deckert: per the consent agreement this entry is revise to read “It is always sunny on Jeff’s birthday.” Any prior statements expressed or implied that this event would be better held on the Cispus are retracted and revoked.

Amy Michelle: I mean really; it is a charity event. Did Jeff have to get drunk and pass out under a picnic table at Headhunt last year?

Aaron King (redux): it was probably that 3rd gummy. I tried to warn him.

Gavin Glore: Are there any of those gummies left?

Jesse Swedlund: I might go. Honestly, now that my paddle has two blades there simply is no challenge anymore.

 Randy Demarco - cool. I will be bringing my supernova of positive stoke, Megan, with me.

Megan Kelly - cool. I will be bringing my supernova of positive stoke, Randy, with me.

Leo Tolstoy: don’t you think this post is kinda long?

Friedrich Nietzsche: don’t you think some of these jokes are somewhat obscure and dark?

Sigmund Freud: Claire raises a valid point. What is up with your garish drysuit?

Vincent van Gogh: don’t listen to Sigmund. Your drysuit (and grip on reality) is awesome. And, when you wear a full face helmet nobody can tell how many ears you have.

Chi Tran (redux) - Jeff, dude, you need to get out more. Those voices in your head are getting loud! [That one is an actual quote.]

Bill Petty - Jeff how many times have we done this river together? How did you not remember there was a rock after that boof? (Another actual quote).

Patrick Do - I’ll go if I can sleep with somebody. (Another actual quote. You will have to ask him to explain).

Dale Perry - of course I’m coming. Jeff promised that Wet Zeppelin would be performing at the after party.

Tim Tau - I appreciate your concern, Jeff. But, the difference between you and I is that I can reliably roll a Rock Star.

Ayla Arsel Wilk - Jeff is a little clueless. When I asked if Jeff identified with any pronouns, after a long pause Jeff mumbled, “mediocre boater?” I mean really Jeff? I’m a science teacher and even I know that is an adjective-noun combination.

Bill “Fish” Herring - I remember one time when I was on the Arkansas River with this guy named One-eyed Buck and a Romanian exchange student we found on the side of the highway …. wait, was this supposed to be about Jeff? Uhhh, Never mind.

Dale Perry (redux) - I remember one time when I was in a 1972 Chevy El Camino with a homemade lift kit I made by smelting tailings from the old McPherson mine … wait, this was supposed to be about Jeff? Uhhh, never mind.

Dennis Armstrong - Jeff is such an awesome dude … until you read his Washington Kayak Cult posts. Then you start to wonder. Is he mentally ok? Does he still have two ears underneath that full face helmet. Is his orange “drysuit” just a jumper from whatever institution he escaped?

Walt Hunt - Arlene, do you see this? It seems like our middle child is part of some cult or something.

Arlene Hunt - oh goodness. That kid will do anything for attention. Remember the orange tuxedo he wore to his senior year prom?

Tree Bergman - watching Jeff kayak slalom is so fun. It’s like those old Zorro movies; Jeff with his paddle dueling all the gates. None of us had the heart to tell him that the phrase “hitting all the gates” was not literal.

Dr. Goodday (Jeff’s therapist) - this isn’t really what I had in mind when I suggested you start journaling.

Scott Bucholtz: you know how certain dogs like labs or border collies get obsessed with balls. It just consumes their very being. Well, that is Jeff with Spikeball. “Who wants a ball? Jeff, do you want this ball? Go get it boy!” It cracks me up.

Kim Rader - at least when he’s distracted by spikeball he’s not rummaging through our beer coolers.

Rich Park - Jeff is too chickenshit to surf winter swell, so I guess I’ll have to go kayaking if I want to see him.

Hans und Franz - Uns gefällt die Mesh-Basisschicht. Du gehst oft in die Berliner Diskothek? (Translation - we like the mesh base layer. You go to Berlin discotheque often?

Borat - I also like the mesh. You do sexy time with that?

Lady Gaga - you are wrong about him Taylor. That mesh top has kinky charm.

Buffalo Bill (from Silence of the Lambs) - it puts on the lotion. And, where did you get that cool mesh top?

Tim Tau (redux) - it puts on the lotion…Wait, what? Just because I have a twisted sense of humor doesn’t mean I would find this funny or appropriate ….ha, just pulling your chain, Jeff … Now put on the lotion!

Chi Tran (redux) - really Jeff? You brought Athletic Brewing non-alcoholic, light beer to the take out? You shame me and our entire community with your actions.

Bryan Castleberry (redux) - since your previous post, I bought a new boat. This one better matches the color of my safety whistle.

Jack Asuncion-Reed (redux): paddle naked, with our boats lit on fire, into a blender? Could be fun. Let’s fuck around and find out!

Nicole and Matt - Jeff would you please back away from the truck. You are getting drool all over our new Rivian.

Martin Fryer (redux) - Seriously, Jeff? There are a bunch of us waiting here in the eddy for our turn on the wave, and you are going to park yourself in a front surf for the next 5 minutes?  Get off my lawn!!!

Doug Knapp - I try to keep it on the down low by using the river name ‘Doug.’ But, I was originally born as the Canadian Dalai Lama. I occasionally let my cover slip with pearls of wisdom like, “90% of suffering is expecting Middle-Middle flows to be different than they are.”

Dr. Ubroken- Hello Jeff. Dr. Goodday often refers her more diffic …er …  imaginative patients to me. Just have a seat and the nurse will buckle you in shortly.

James Lloyd (redux) - ooh, those restraining devices are bomber. I’m going to have to get a set for my dunge …er …yoga room.

Anne Brindle- yes, I was the one who took Jeff under my wing and made him feel welcome to the WKC when he first moved to town. I am sorry for all the pain and suffering this has wrought.

Will Yoon (redux) - Shoulder? What shoulder? It’s merely a flesh wound. Besides, I already bought Zambezi plane tickets. In 20 years I don’t want to be some bitter, old man stewing about how life has passed me by. Oh, hi Jeff. I didn’t see you there. Happy birthday.

Coco Hunt Blakemore - I don’t know about 20 years, but the past 18 have been non-stop daddy-daughter backpacking, skiing, climbing awesomeness. You are the luckiest dude on earth dad.

Bob Schneider - good news, Jeff. My parole officer said I could come. I have an extra ski mask if you feel like holding up a pizza joint when we are done.

Susan Batchelor - Jeff is like a character straight out of Greek mythology. Specifically, Hysterius, the god of mid-Boulder Drop panic attacks.

Dawn Meekhof and Jennie Goldberg - playing Spikeball with Jeff at the takeout is so much fun. He has the reflexes of a cat. You know, your aunt’s 14 year old cat that is half blind and missing patches of fur. 

Chi Tran (yet another actual quote she asked me to include) - Jeff is the nicest person! He's like mother Teresa in a kayak!

Mateo Isbetter-Thanme - Chi, are you saying Jeff paddles like an old lady?

Chi Tran - No Mateo, that would be misogynistic. Jeff paddles like an old man. Or, a 14 year old cat? Or something like that? I don’t know?  I just finished a 17% beer. Stop asking so many questions.

Mateo Little-Fakar - Jeff, Jeff, Jeff! You should have seen it. I was paddling the Miller with my dad, the class IV+ section all covered in snow. Anyway, I got stuck in this hole and was side surfing it. Then my stern caught and I thought I’d get wet, but I stuck my paddle out and kick flipped out of the hole. Isn’t that cool? Have you ever done that? Here, it is on video!

Jeff Aches-Dailey - that’s awesome Mateo. I’m so happy for you. Really. Sincerely. Would you mind sneaking into Chi’s cooler and getting me one of those 17% beers? I could really use one right now.

Dennis Keller - it’s funny. I had paddled with Jeff before but I never made the connection he was “Jeff Hunt” until I paddled with him on the Cispus. I immediately went out and bought a lock for my beer cooler that night.

Paul Butler - Arguably, Jeff might have the best quarter to one-third loop in the WKC.  I say ‘arguably’ because who in their right mind would want to do a quarter to one-third loop?